Save our police

I have waited for the dust to settle a bit before writing MY take on the recent shooting of a West Yorkshire police officer.
We have had ‘not a woman’s’ job comments, ‘better protection’, ‘arm all police’ and ‘bring back capital punishment’ responses.
Insofar as job for women. There is nothing about police work that inherently determines which sex should do it. It is only fairly recently that female officers have been fully integrated. It used to be that they were reserved to deal with offences against women or young children and none would wish that they went back to this limited range of tasks.
Better protection. This presumably means armour. What is most often seen on our police is only a stab vest. This offers no real protection against firearms of even small calibre and low velocity. It is possible to buy proper bullet-proof waistcoats or to upgrade the stab vest by fitting ceramic plates into pockets. This does, however, make the item very heavy and cumbersome. Getting in and out of vehicles or running is made difficult. Additionally, the vest does not give full cover of vulnerable areas. On some, the vest looks like a support bra. The sides of the body are unprotected as is the head and lower body. They cannot be considered really effective. There is also the problem that once an authority recognises the danger by providing bullet-proof clothing, they fall within the scrutiny of Health & Safety who would rule whether they are adequate; they obviously are not.
Arm all the police. Well, funnily enough, they do not all want to be armed. A recent police federation poll showed this to be against the wishes of a large majority. Many said they would leave the service the day the police were universally armed. Some may be concerned at what happens to a firearms officer who does open fire and kills someone. The investigation is intensive and prolonged. Not everyone is capable of being trained to just handle firearms safely still less decide when to shoot and have a real confidence of hitting their target. Police numbers would not permit the removal from current duties of any significant number of candidates for a firearms course and the annual reclassification. Metropolitan police firearms instructors claim it takes five years for an officer to reach the stage where they regard them as fully competent.
Bring back capital punishment. This has a permanent season ticket in the minds of the general public and appears whenever there is a particularly harrowing murder or series of murders. The calls from the public however, never seem to find resonance in the ears of MPs who reject change with a large majority whenever the subject comes up. I did find a well-reasoned presentation on why this should be. The main objection is that execution is so final and there is no redress in the event of a flaw in the legal proceedings that led to the judicial killing. There are opinions that such miscarriages would be much reduced because of advances in forensic science such as DNA and fingerprint analysis. I personally do not thing that a reduction is quite enough. There are no degrees of death – it is as unlikely as being ‘a little bit pregnant’. Another risk is typified in the case of Timothy Evans who was hung for the murder of his wife and child. Evans was somewhat backward and was suggested as the killer by John Christie who lived in the same buildings as Evans. Christie was later identified as a serial killer of prostitutes and it was he who had killed Mrs Evans and her child.
So, what can be done? Firstly – do we really need to do anything? The loss of one life is to be condemned but we should recognise that police do what is a dangerous job and their death is an unfortunate element in their work. I do not want police officers to give their lives when there is an alternative. Changing the publics’ perception of their police is a risky business. Confidence and results declined when the policeman on the street was relocated into panda cars. We like to feel that the ‘bobby’ is approachable and friendly. Dixon of Dock Green was a figure to whom we could relate. Replacing PC George Dixon with the heavily protected and awesome Officer RoboCop would be a bad move. To me, it is clear that we need to have both.
Couch potato critics will say that we already have Armed Response Teams on patrol. Yes we do. They still do not have the operational freedom to mount their weapons and there are not enough of them. Their numbers need to be much increased and they should have the best resources and administration we can provide. Faster transport. Dedicated drivers with advanced driving qualifications. Better nation-wide communications. Targeting of high risk areas. A range of weapons and ammunition to cover all circumstances. There is a reluctance to issue Tasers because someone might get killed. Tough – issue them and leave it to the officers’ discretion when to deploy them. Remote control from someone sitting in an operations cell miles from the action is not satisfactory to deal with a fast-changing and developing situation. The Rules of Engagement need to be re-evaluated and made known to everyone – police, general public and the crooks. I am expected to know that shoving a broken bottle in someone’s face will get me a life sentence so why can I not know what will happen if I insist in waving a real or replica weapon in a manner that suggests I might use it?
Sentencing is part of the legal review that is also required. Evidence that the policy of “Tough on crime and tough on the causes of crime” is for real must be firm, clear and widespread. Police abuse of the old Judges Rules led to introduction of the Police and Criminal Evidence Act. This introduced essential safeguards but was written at a time when law and order was not under such a heavy and serious challenge as today. For example, police were constrained in the latest incident in releasing descriptions of men they wanted to interview as this could have compromised the evidence from eye-witnesses at any identification parade. There are more.
Attempts to ban handguns after serious incidents were somewhat knee-jerk in style. All that has happened is that those who held short weapons legally have had to surrender them. The crooks can still buy very effective arms and ammunition illegally. There are even people who will rent them out by the day. In the context of their intended crimes, possession of an unlawful weapon is the least of their concerns. Therefore, greater attention must be given to removing weapons from the community.
As in all crime prevention or reduction, much depends on the risk of being caught. So, in events where arms are involved, the odds relating to detection, prosecution, conviction and imposition of a significant sentence have to be significantly raised in favour of the police. If needs be, new legislation. Just let it be written by a proper team of draughtsmen and not on the back of a fag packet by some jovial old buffer of a Home Secretary. Do away with the term ‘life’ or define it exactly. Until death, for 15 (or so) years. Say it, mean it, and stick to it. Get the judiciary on side. No release on licence or grounds of ill-health. Heighten the threshold of judicial review.

Weather watch

Another fine, dry day. Big blue skys all around with just a bit of cloud coming in for the morning and evening sun rise and set displays.
Only small cloud on my horizon with all this is that it looks to me to be the sort of conditions that comes ahead of a lot of snow. The good looking ladies of the weather forecast offices seem to think the same so my aching knee agrees with the computers.
I like snow - don't get me wrong. Only problem is that it will disrupt Madam Pointy Nose's trips to exercise areas and we will have to cope with an ADD dog inside the house. She revealed a new trick yesterday after catching a really big cock pheasant. Once I had done all the 'good dog' stuff she set about it again and had it plucked as neat as a whistle inside five minutes. Course, we then had to run off as the wind-blown feathers revealed our position and I thought she might have nicked the bird from under the noses of the beaters. Might get a few quid hiring her out for the festive season. Oven ready birds from sky to table in 10 minutes!

Well written? Phone 0800.....

I have always appreciated the grace and dignity of written English. The ability to express oneself is much to be valued. My years in the Army were under the cosh of officialdom where there was plenty of form but little style. This is not to say that the services encourage illiteracy; their staff writing has very serious style directives but is drawn to convey intentions and to report detailed fact rather than wander lonely as a cloud.
This explains why I enjoyed something in today’s Times Register amongst the obituaries. One of these concerned a Romany man who became a leader of the organised Gypsies. (It’s OK – the p.c. brigade cannot touch me - I used a capital G).
He was described as having an ‘impressive physical presence, softened by a touch of the dandy that emphasised his Romany heritage’. Having grown up in Essex where Gypsies were known for the purity of their breeding, I can see him before me. So well, almost, that I could have forecast the next comment. “S***h left his wife for a male friend, which led to some tactless criticism amongst traveller families in southeast England whose social tolerance lagged behind those of mainstream society”
There, is that not wonderful?

Common sense really

A good outlook

Having let you into the medical secrets of the day, can I just cheer you up with this forecast?

Have a nice day!

As today is Friday, I intend to have a theme for today’s blogging.

As an aged oxygen-thief and coffin-dodger, thoughts of health occupy most of my sentient hours. How I might improve it, is it worth the bother, where will it all end up.

So, some good and some bad. Let us start with the bad.

We have heard much about a bird flu epidemic and how it would be wise to remain in peak condition lest we start to develop feathers and wings. One of the things was a mass effort, all out, intensive, cost no object campaign to produce zillions of injections of tamiflu for mass distribution to all. OK – now read this little crumb of comfort.

U.S. probes deaths of children who took Tamiflu

WASHINGTON(Reuters) - U.S. regulators are studying the deaths of 12 children in Japan who took Roche AG's flu-fighting drug Tamiflu, officials said on Thursday, but they said it was difficult to tell whether the drug played a role in any of the cases.

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration said it was "concerning" that 32 psychiatric events, such as hallucinations and abnormal behavior, also had been reported in children who took Tamiflu, which is in high demand because it is considered to be one of the best defenses against avian flu in people.

So – whaderugonnado? I suspect there is little one can do. The government is certainly not going to waste all the drug they spent all that money on are they? It will be renamed. We will be told it is better than tamiflu. Get it down your neck.

OK – let’s balance that with something that might, loosely be termed as good. There is a pun in there that you should detect as you read on.

Daily dose of good bacteria cuts sick leave

NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - Workers who took a daily dose of beneficial bacteria, also known as probiotics, were much less likely to call in sick than their colleagues given a placebo, a new study from Sweden shows.

Probiotics are contained in yogurt and other fermented foods. They've been shown to have a number of positive health effects, helping, for example, to prevent gastrointestinal ills and to boost immune system function.

So, all one needs to do is spend idiotic amounts of

money on those stupid little bottles. From my experience, the people who had the real McCoy did not call in sick purely because they were closeted in the lavatory whilst foul smelling liquid flowed out of just about every orifice designed for one way traffic. The results of the battle between the ‘good’ bacteria and the ‘bad’ bacteria were such as those last seen on the Somme in World War One. Apparently, the rationale is that the ‘baddies’ are very powerful once ensconced in the gut and massive over-prescription of ‘goodies’ is needed to ensure they do not storm the stomach as some sort of Forlorn Hope.

Statins may delay effects of Alzheimer's -study

LONDON (Reuters) - Cholesterol-lowering drugs may help to delay the progression of Alzheimer's disease, the leading cause of dementia in the elderly, French scientists said on Thursday.

In a three-year study involving 342 Alzheimer's patients, they found that the illness did not develop as quickly in sufferers with high cholesterol levels who were given statins as in patients not taking the drugs.

Professor Florence Pasquier, of the University Hospital in Lille, France, said the drugs "may slow cognitive decline in Alzheimer's disease and have a neuroprotective effect."

Nearly 130 patients in the study had high cholesterol levels. About half were given statins while the remainder did not receive any treatment.

So – I might get to the final curtain with a clear idea of what is to happen to me and exactly how it will come about. Thanks God – I was kind of hoping I’d miss out on that degree of awareness.

Now, this final one is really the bees knees. These guys don’t care about bird flu, tamiflu, Delhi belly or Who the fcuk am I? I think it is a worthwhile enterprise. My only concern is that they might not let me nominate those who should be drafted into the movement with a view to cleaning up the gene pool.

VHEMT (pronounced vehement) is a movement not an organization. It's a movement advanced by people who care about life on planet Earth. We're not just a bunch of misanthropes and anti-social, Malthusian misfits, taking morbid delight whenever disaster strikes humans. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Voluntary human extinction is the humanitarian alternative to human disasters.

We don't carry on about how the human race has shown itself to be a greedy, amoral parasite on the once-healthy face of this planet. That type of negativity offers no solution to the inexorable horrors which human activity is causing.

Rather, The Movement presents an encouraging alternative to the callous exploitation and wholesale destruction of the Earth's ecology.

As VHEMT Volunteers know, the hopeful alternative to the extinction of millions of species of plants and animals is the voluntary extinction of one species: Homo sapiens... us.

Way back when...

Our local paper republishes items from the archives.

This comes from fifty years ago:

A former rector of Berwickshire High School, Doctor D. S. I**** is receiving protests from parents against their boys taking part in the school swimming classes in the nude. The swimming master says it is the most hygienic way because wool from the costumes clogs up the pool filters.

And this is from a hundred years back:

Residents of our cities are familiar with the imposing vehicles reserved for the accommodation of transgressors of the law. In country districts a much more primitive means of transit is adopted. The good town of Coldstream boasts a humble two-wheeler drawn by a quadruped that may have been a frolicsome young colt something like twenty years ago. In its infrequent runs to Duns, this gaunt steed is driven by the policeman who has charge of the prisoner. But though the distance between the two places is ten miles and the intervening country is very sparsely populated, efforts of escape are seldom, if ever, made.

What a lovely picture this paints from 1905. The leisured style of writing, the words chosen seem so very dated in what is really not much more than my lifetime. As for the nude swimming! I cannot imagine that this was just fifty years back. All costumes were wool – no Speedo skin-tights then. I can remember the woollen shorts. They looked so very smart until getting wet when they drooped down like rhino skin. No matter where purchased, they all looked like they had been knitted by your mum. I doubt if the matter would be so easily disposed of today when one needs almost a licence from Interpol and certificate of approval from the World Health Organisation to come within 100 yards of a fully clothed juvenile. When I concentrate, I can remember that by 1955 I was quite an exponent of mixed bathing and skinny dipping at midnight. I doubt if we would have thought of the excuse about clogging filters had we been challenged.

Underpants and soldiers - saucy eh?

I see that David Davis’ wife has revealed that after 30 something years, the passion has gone out of her marriage. She says he still likes a cuddle though.
The fop Camerooon claims that he protects some of his vegetables by planting garlic around them. Just last week we were given the low-down on their preferences in the underwear department. Funny that I know this much – more than I care for – about them but find myself almost totally ignorant of what they are claiming to do for us when one or other of them gets eligible for a Leader of the Opposition pension. Not that it matters who will lead. Neither will have the opportunity to decide what the country does. In a way, I hope it is not Davies who wins. The thought of PM questions every week involving a statement about how he is the child of a single parent and grew up on a council estate is quite daunting.
The circles in which I move are getting quite het-up on the question of politically motivated courts-martial involving soldiers in Iraq. A senior officer has been warned for trial. Opinion seems to be divided between this being a serious case of political correctness where the Guardian-reading community are doing a mea-culpa over the war or just another example of T Bliar again selling the troops down the river in some holier-than-thou act of penitence. To the ordinary Tommy-in-the-trench it is no more than he expects after seeing the lack of support they feel exists. This time though, it is serious. The officers feel wronged. I think the government has nailed its colours to the mast by claiming that the decision to prosecute comes from a totally independent body free of all political influence. Yeah – watch out for effects of blue moon tonight. Some means will need to be found to escape this sackgasse which is leading to no good way out.

MRSA kills

There was a radio item this morning about a guy who claims that MRSA is far more widespread than has been admitted by the NHS. He sells MRSA cleaning kits and the general opinion of experts is that he is a con merchant.
Well John, that was interesting – not. Why bother us with the news and then deflate it by saying it was rubbish?
There was much talk about MRSA and cleaning standards. That struck a chord going back to some while ago when I was sitting around in a ward as a visitor. Yes – there was a cleaner operating in the ward. Yes – we had all treated our hands with some spray thing. However, the cleaning method was poorly devised or supervised. The operative had a mop which she fumbled around on the floor. The water used to rinse the mop was dirty. The mop left dirty or greasy smears on the lino. Items such as side cupboards, tables and desks were not moved and the mop was just run along the outline. There was no apparent cleaning of anything between the floor level and flat surfaces such as desktops. The moulded skirting board was not cleaned. There was no sign of any disinfectant.
I cannot understand the debate about proper cleaning. Even if the ward I saw had received attention to the deficiencies, I still would not regard it as ‘proper’ cleaning. I started mentally to draw up a specification for a cleaning contractor and it was quickly apparent we were really looking at a decontamination operation. After all, if it were possible to control MRSA with a Jiffy cloth and Mr Muscle, what is the problem? Even with a decent specification, there could be no guarantee that the standards were maintained by operatives. They would need special training and constant supervision. The Health & Safety people would get involved in protection for cleaners and would doubtless call for the wards to be emptied whilst the work was in progress.
Given the serious complications – not least death – that MRSA brings, it is surprising that the risk has not been better handled. Maybe there is a connection between the cost to achieve the proper standards and the government’s half-hearted response to the threat?

It was the big kids made me do it

I read (Daily Mail mainly) that someone ‘in government’ has suggested that the age of criminal responsibility be set at 16 years of age. It is currently 10 years and attempts are being made to raise it to 12. Just to set things in perspective, this means that the killers of Jamie Bulger would have escaped trial and punishment. In addition to the free-under-16 idea, there is mention that the majority of young offenders come from broken homes.
Home Office research this year showed that one in four boys between 10 and 17 are 'serious or prolific' offenders - a figure that suggests there are half a million boys engaged in burglary, robbery, drug dealing and other serious offences. The report said that a presumption that children are incapable of understanding right from wrong should run until the age of 16. "This would allow for the gradual and highly variable process of moral development in children," it said.
There should be 'normal immunity from prosecution' until 16. Instead, offenders should be dealt with through "family conferencing, restorative justice and youth offender panels".
Family conferencing means talking to an offender with his family; restorative justice involves the offender apologising to and making amends to the victim; and youth offender panels handle probation and rehabilitation schemes. Of course, one first has to get the little scrote to recognise and admit that he was even responsible for what happened. If he denies it, he cannot be put on trial to see if he is a wrongdoer.
Well now – isn’t that all very nice. Where is the ‘man’ who said they would be tough on crime and tough on the causes of crime? Some little sewer rate will get someone older to read the legislation to him and will be away as the Al Capone of the high-rise world. The police will encourage crime reports to reflect that the offender was a small wee bstard thus allowing them to lose interest as not much more than an interview with hyper-activity sticky drinks and Wagon Wheels will result.
I hold to the theory that some people are just evil. They are born evil and will die evil. Nothing that happens in between will cure them or deter or divert them from their wickedness. These Omen-kids will not be detected until they are sufficiently developed mentally and physically to be a real threat to us all. The idea that under-16s lack the capability to understand right from wrong is clearly fatuous. If need be, teach them by showing them what happens when they put their hand in the fire. Modern parents withdraw from many of the things they should teach their kids and this proposal will only encourage them more in this laziness.  

Legit.

Finally gave in and got myself an ID card.

Remember them

Out and about today, we saw numerous gatherings – large and small – for the Remembrance Day ceremonies. Duns had a large turn-out with the pipe band leading a parade of cadets, guides, brownies, cubs and Scouts and a goodly sprinkling of the Old & Bold. I think it is an important thing to keep going. Not just for those who will have sad memories but also for the young. Inevitably, the significance of the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month will die out. The wars of today are not the human mincing machines of yesteryear – never again, thank goodness, will the country have to deal with 15,000 lost before breakfast. Any human death is a disaster but there is not the same national impact even when we may lose six in one incident. So few today know what went on in The Great Wars. Many of those who bother to listen or find out will have the modern day attitude – “Why did they fight? I’d have just refused to go”. There are reports that as battalions were marching towards the trenches, they passed engineers digging vast pits. They asked what these were for and were told they were for the dead from the forthcoming battle. Just imagine your caring Sun reporting that sort of thing today!
I’m quite intrigued about the fuss over ex-Ambassador Meyers and his memoirs. It seems a little bit difficult to work out exactly what it is that has roused the politicians ire. He has revealed the way that ministers and civil servants relate to each other. Is anyone so amazed that they sometimes met under intimate circumstances? Is some important matter of state to wait whilst John Major adjusts his braces? The disclosures of this sort help to de-mystify politics. Background detail that turns the writing into something better than dull as ditchwater reiteration of facts.
Maybe it is his frank but unflattering remarks about the abilities or otherwise of politicians. So, are there many that think Prescott has the vocabulary and delivery of Noel Coward? Jack Straw was a blustering rabble-raiser as a student activist – what may have caused him to become a latter day Descartes? B Liar – of whom anything unflattering is believable.
My end-of-exam verdict is connected with Meyers status – Civil Servant. That bugbear of lower middle classes who get some authority – pas devant les servants? Don’t they know their place? We are the Masters.
Luckily for me, it is all academic. My attitude is that all politicians are neer-do-wells. It goes with the job. Falsehood, blustering, plotting and duplicity are required ‘talents’ in the murky world in which they crawl.

There is always MasterCard

Domestic bliss

This comes from a serving police officer. I came across it whilst looking into the problems of Ross Kemp and his live-in Editor. Kemp is the fat guy that has (Iunderstand but am not a viewer), just returned to Eastenders and was the sergeant in some risible thing that claimed to be something like the SAS. I like 'Modern Solution' as it shows the sort of attitude of many of my old Met police associates.

Modern Solution

It seems that just about everyone has had a go at trying to solve the problem.

All the professionals have had their input and even with the best efforts of our Positive Arrest policy makers, a quarter of the violent crime in the Metropolis is domestic related. Maybe it’s time I had a go? I know I’m not the best qualified to do this. Without a degree in something very relevant and a large government budget I don’t expect you to pay any attention to me. But, I reckon I can completely eliminate the problem with a simple 3 step programme.

If you have felt the need to call us to play referee in your life because you haven’t grown up sufficiently to sort your problems out for yourselves and without the need for crossed words, then you may want to follow this simple plan:-

Brian’s Guide To Domestic Bliss©

Step 1:- Seek Employment.

Being ‘on the sick’ doesn’t count, nor does Community Service. I appreciate that this may come as a bit of a shock. Having spent a lifetime living off my taxes it can be a difficult transition to make. If you are both gainfully employed then the time you spend together will be minimised. So much so that you are unlikely to want us to pop round and ruin your precious moments together. Until you have a real job, you’ll have to live with your mum in your old room complete with football posters and lingerie catalogues.

Step 2:- Stop Drinking.

It is very rare for me to turn up to practice what the policy makers are preaching and finding that both parties are sober. In fact, more often than not, both have been on the partner beating juice. By all means you can drink, but you aren’t permitted to be under the influence when in the presence of your loved one. Try herbal tea instead, it can be very relaxing.

Step 3:- Engage In A Same-Sex Relationship.

Now, I understand that this might not have been the first thought on your mind once you’ve got a job and are relatively sober. But, bear with me, this is the crucial bit. People have made a lot of money out of telling us that men and women are from different planets. They meant you when they were saying this. It’s clear you have a bit of problem with the opposite sex, so it only follows that you should consider a same-sex relationship. Right?

I’m aware that there are issues surrounding the under-reporting of same-sex domestics, and that when we do get called they are ‘real’ ones. Little spats and arguments over the TV remote tend not to warrant a call to us. We only get involved when sharp implements have been used by both sides.

Of the many, many hundreds of domestics I’ve been to, a grand total of three have been between partners of the same sex. All of them were drunk and bleeding profusely.

If only they had called sooner.

We could have solved things over a cup of Camomile.

Silly questions

If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look like the way they do?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

If the product says "Do not use if seal is broken", how are you supposed to open it and use it?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

If time heals all wounds, how come bellybuttons don't fill in?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?

If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?

If you get into a taxi cab, and ask the driver to drive backwards to your destination, will the cab driver owe you money?

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If your car says Dodge on the front of it, do you really need a horn?

If you're a kleptomaniac, is there something you can take for it?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

In court, why do they ask if you swear to tell the truth? If you're planning on lying, do they really think you'll tell them so?

Instead of wasting time hunting and cooking, why don't hunters just use flame-throwers?

Is "tired old cliché" one?

Is a castrated pig disgruntled?

Is a halfback more valuable than a quarterback?

Is a sleeping bull a bull-dozer?

Is a small pig called a hamlet?

Is an oxymoron a really dumb bovine?

Is drilling for oil boring?

Is duck tape made out of ducks?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Is that a flying saucer or a pie in the sky?

Is the nose the scenter of the face?

Is this bullshit or fertilizer?

Now that Microsoft is so big, should it be called Macrosoft?

Sexual harassment at work-is it a problem for the self-employed? --Victoria Wood

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Since there is a speed of light and a speed of sound, is there a speed of smell?

The Scarecrow got a brain, Tin Man got a heart, Lion got courage, Dorothy got home, what did Toto get?

Was the pole vault accidentally discovered by a clumsy javelin thrower?

What are imitation rhinestones?

What do batteries run on?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do penguins wear for play clothes?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?

What do they call a French kiss in France?

What do they call coffee breaks at the Lipton Tea Company?

What do you call a bedroom with no bed in it?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What do you call male ballerinas?

What do you say if you're talking to God, and he sneezes?

What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

What happened to the first 6 UP's?

What happens if you go on a survival course - and you don't pass?

What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?

What happens when none of your bees wax?

What happens when you swallow your pride?

What if hell really did freeze over? What would we be using instead?

What if someone died in the living room?

What if the hokey pokey really is what it's all about?

What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

What is "Soft Liquor"?

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

What is a refried bean? Why do they have to fry it twice?

What is shaved ice? Did it have hair on it before it was shaved?

What is the diameter of a square?

What is the speed of dark?

What kind of fruit is in Juicy Fruit gum?

What makes cheese so confidential that we actually need cheese shredders?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

What's the synonym for thesaurus?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

When cows laugh, does milk come out of their noses?

When day breaks who fixes it?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

When night falls who picks it up?

When people lose weight, where does it go?

When something fades in the sunlight, where did the colors go?

When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?

When we say our mind wanders - where does it go?

When you put a sheet over your head for Halloween, are you a ghost or a mattress?

Where are the germs that cause 'good' breath?

Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?

Where did Webster look up the definitions when he wrote the dictionary?

Where do they get Spring water in the other 3 seasons?

Where does the fire go when the fire goes out?

Where does the white go when the snow melts?

Where does your lap go when you stand up?

Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty is an egg?

Where is Old Zealand?

Which is the other side of the street?

Who killed the Dead Sea?

Who opened that first 'oyster' and said "My, my, my. Now doesn't 'this' look yummy!"

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to see an egg come from a chicken's butt and think, "I'll bet that would be good to eat?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?

Why are all blackboards called that when some of them are green?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why are highways build so close to the ground?

Why are raisins called raisins if they are only dried grapes? Why not just call them dried grapes?

Why are some gay people so unhappy?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are they called "stands" when they're made for sitting?

Why are violets blue and not violet?

Why are you expected to slow down in a speed zone?

Why aren't there ever any guilty bystanders?

Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free?

Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?

Why can't we tickle ourselves?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why did the pot call the kettle black?

Why do ballet dancers dance on their toes? Why doesn't the company just hire taller dancers?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Why do flamingos stand on only one leg?

Why do flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

Why do mattresses have springs, if they aren't made for jumping on?

Why do people always remember where they were when someone famous was killed? Do they feel perhaps they'll need an alibi?

Why do people go to the unemployment office to find a job?

Why do people park in driveways and drive on parkways?

Why do people tell you when they are speechless?

Why do pigs have curly tails?

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

Why do they call it 'chili' if it's hot?

A Senior Moment

Forgetfulness

The name of the author is the first to go
followed obediently by the title, the plot,
the heartbreaking conclusion, the entire novel
which suddenly becomes one you have never read,
never even heard of,

as if, one by one, the memories you used to harbor
decided to retire to the southern hemisphere of the brain,
to a little fishing village where there are no phones.

Long ago you kissed the names of the nine Muses goodbye
and watched the quadratic equation pack its bag,
and even now as you memorize the order of the planets,

something else is slipping away, a state flower perhaps,
the address of an uncle, the capital of Paraguay.

Whatever it is you are struggling to remember,
it is not poised on the tip of your tongue,
not even lurking in some obscure corner of your spleen.

It has floated away down a dark mythological river
whose name begins with an L as far as you can recall,
well on your own way to oblivion where you will join those
who have even forgotten how to swim and how to ride a bicycle.

No wonder you rise in the middle of the night
to look up the date of a famous battle in a book on war.
No wonder the moon in the window seems to have drifted
out of a love poem that you used to know by heart.

Billy Collins

Cobblers

And I do not mean a man who repairs shoes!
Thanks God I know who loves me and that she will take no notice of this garbage.

Hot chien anyone

Anyone wondering what all the fuss is about as France embraces out of season BBQs, may find some valid information and opinion from my mate Fred.

Rest in Peace Unknown Warrior.

Today is the day that we remember the deaths of those who gave their lives in two World Wars and numerous military hostilities.
The British Legion red poppy is sold to raise funds for those who remain alive but suffer from events of such encounters. Less and less poppies are being sold. Volunteers who have been selling them were threatened. There is a movement to institute white poppies for those who have antipathy to military memorials. Generally, those who made the ultimate sacrifice are being forgotten and, more importantly, the reasons that they gave their lives are derided.
Whilst the wounds of war were still sore, a Army padre set in chain a series of events that were to lead to a unknown warrior being interred in Westminster Abbey alongside illustrious men in a ceremony that would normally only be afforded to the highest generals. The bodies of a number of men buried on the battlefields were gathered together and a random selection made. The utmost attention was paid to keeping this man’s identity secret. He was therefore able to serve as the single focus of remembrance and honour for the very large number of men who disappeared between 1914 and 1918. Bear in mind that battlefields of those times were not described as today such as “killing grounds” but were named as “mincing machines”. Men were buried where they fell. It was not always possible to mark the grave at that time.
The idea of having Unknown Warriors spread around the world.
There exists a movement in America to use the very latest DNA techniques to seek to identify their Warrior. It seems that this is possible. Doubtless, this proposal will come to us and be taken up by the Knowledge is All people. I cannot think of much that is more hideous. Apart from the fact that a grave will have to be violated, identifying the Warrior will destroy the whole reason for it’s existence. No more will I be able to honour a great-uncle who could well be the man chosen. Anyone who knows that a long-dead relative was killed, burial place unknown, will be deprived of a physical focus for their grief. In a modern world where we seem to go overboard on such matters – what I call the Lady Di Syndrome – this is just nonsense.

Yet more of a brainwave

Some while back there was a big re-organisation of the arrangements made by GPs to cover out of hours attendence. They were given the opportunity to elect themselves out of night and week-end duties. Perfectly right that they should decide between money and anti-social hours and a more relaxed home life. We here used to have a perfectly tuned night service that was already funded by the GPs and went under the name Borderdoc. I had to use it once and - as one who has little patience with medical matters - found it to be excellent. I am in favour of the idea that my normal GP has been properly rested and de-stressed when he sees me.
We here were put into the care of something called NHS 24 for our out of hours cover. This was some centrally administered call centre - surprisingly not out-sourced to the Indian sub-continent.
As time went on, it became apparent that we had jumped out of the tender arms of Borderdoc into the slavering jaws of a government agency. There were shortages of doctors, doctors who did not know where remote communities were, communication difficulties with local dialect. You name it - NHS 24 were cocking it up - I don't know about overall but certainly in the Scottish Borders. There were the usual bland responses - "It's new and needs time to settle down" which processed through blaming the IT resources to admitting "isolated" mistakes. Doctors were flown in from Europe rather like Saturday Girls at reputed cost of £600 per hour. New study groups are afoot to rectify what is now admitted as a rubbish response.
The foregoing just describes the work, annoyance and costs involved in this great Blue Sky, Out of The Box Thinking initiative.
So, today, Skippy Hewitt decides that she must ask GPs to put in more hours in the evenings and at week-ends. To make the medical services more efficient. So that people have better choice as to appointment arrangements to see a doctor. Little Fat Buddha, what on earth will this government come up with next in the Advancement of Rubbish Ideas?

Homophobia

This is a spoof site.
If this were not known at the outset, one would find the attitudes and comments perfectly in tune with the sort of garbage that comes from the caring community.

Did you say *%^"**?

If you have ever had a desire to see famous people being low down dirty and crude seeming, have a look at this clip from a Channel 4 advertising campaign. Apparently it was intended to run in cinemas but was black-balled.

Bushy does it again

President Bush has authorized the Joint Chiefs to begin drawing up a battle plan to pull France out of the fire again. Facing an apparent overwhelming force of up to 400 pissed off teenagers Mr. Bush doubts France's ability to hold off the little piss-ants. "If the last two world wars are any indication, I would expect France to surrender any day now", said Bush.
Joint Chiefs head, Gen. Peter Pace, warned the President that it might be necessary to send up to 5 marines to get things under control. The general admitted that 5 marines may be overkill but he wanted to get this thing under control within 24 hours of arriving on scene. He stated he was having a hard time finding even one marine to volunteer to help the ungrateful French out for a third time but thought that he could persuade a few women marines to do the job before they went on pregnancy leave.
President Bush asked Gen. Pace to get our marines out of there as soon as possible after order was restored. He also reminded Gen. Pace to make sure the marines did not take soap, razors, or deodorant with them. The less they stand out the better.

Somewhere, right now.....

Read this and tell me if you are proud to be British.
Methinks this man should change his religion and pose as an immigrant.

Hello Hello Hello

This needs no comment from me!

Undertakers in Ireland are noticing that more people are requesting to be buried with their mobile phone.

The country has had a tradition of people being buried with some of their most treasured possessions probably as a continuation of some ancient pagan practice.

According to AFP, some ask that their mobiles be buried with them in case they are buried alive, they wake up and can phone for help. One funeral director reported how some insist the phone is turned off so that if they so wake up they will have battery power when the phone is turned on again.

Of course this assumes that the relatives have not shut off their contracts, their batteries are not run down and the signal reaches six feet under.

Families burying phones with their loved ones, are encouraged to either turn them off or switch them to silent or vibration alert.

After all nothing is worse than the priest saying "Ashes to Ashes" and suddenly Crazy Frog goes off in the casket. Or you get the latest cricket score.

My 90 Day Hell - T Bliar

So, the Great Stupendo did not get his 90 days for terror suspects. We will see all sorts of The Great and The Good parading their consciences and declaring how civilisation has been saved. Whilst I am forbidden to wish them harm, it would be rather apt if the next Islamic Idiocy were at the site of Guy Fawkes attempt.
It might be said that my support of extended detention is all part of being a running dog policeman. The police asked for this period and that is good enough for me. Opponents will say that giving in to police demands is the first slippery step on the staircase to a police state. I don't see it as a demand - it is an assessment of what might, in certain cases, be needed to allow the police to do what we expect of them. Whilst their work after 21 July shows that they are good at detection, prevention is a much better alternative. Terrorism as we now face it is international - the Mr Big jets in and sets things up and is back on a plane leaving Heathrow before his Fundamental Fanatic friend is strapping on his rucksack.
I read an assessment the other day of what was involved in the 21 July enquiry. Over 30 computers were seized. 50 mobile telephones had to be examined. There were some 10,000 pages of print-out. I cannot remember how many lines of enquiry led overseas. We will never have the sort of forensic resources to cope with this workload. On an enquiry of this extent, the IT resources alone are immense. As things develop and news of the enquiry leaks out, things will become more difficult. Stronger encryption will get onto the computers. Mobile phones will be used once and destroyed. All terrorists involved will be taught that they must resist all interrogation for three days to give time for colleagues to go deep and possible evidence destroyed. Given the total lack of concern about - indeed, desire to maximise - death tolls it is essential to stop things in their tracks in advance of an event. This is much harder than waiting for something to go off and then seeing who did what, where, when, with what and in what manner.
So, we will regret an opportunity missed. I just hope that this is not a terrible expensive lesson we will have to pay for in lives.

Downsides of being a policeman

I'm going to do one of those things I've said is not good practice but just go and read the postings here.
The guy describes his problems in handling bad cases and how officers lose their way through the pressures that build up.
I can identify with him - what he says is correct and well expressed. Get some insight into how some people deal with what is a very real world unknown to most others.

Trouble in Paradise

The other person besides me that reads these blogs will know that I have little respect for the individual currently performing the task of UK Prime Minister. He is now an embarrassment to his party, the whole idea of democratic government and this country. His drive to get things done would be commendable if they were carried out in an ethical manner. I get the impression that he is not now working on initiatives that will benefit any real problem but is looking for self-aggrandisement. His association with America has inspired him to create some Tony Bliar library such as happens there. It will contain his electrifying correspondence with the great and the good, detail all his good works and generally elevate him to the status of ...............Disneyland. More like Dolly Parton's Dollyland. A theme park.
I have no real objection to his wish to leave a impressive memorial. It is just that it would be so false - like a movie studio backdrop of the Grand Canyon in Ealing High Street. Anything that might superficially be seen as good works was bought at great cost. The Good Friday agreement on Northern Ireland? Give the Nationalists what they want and promise them more. Throw the odd bone to the Loyalists. National Health? Where is the improvement one would expect from the immense trainloads of money thrown at it. Social justice and equality? Look around you. Education times 3? This is really some scheme for cutting down umemployment amongst those who would have left school to try and join a job market for which they are totally unqualified. I am sure that his failure to set the date for his departure is because he wants it to coincide with some pseudo-triumph on his part. Go out to a roll of drums.
It cannot be soon enough for my part.
Who would replace him? Who should replace him? What policies (i.e. false promises as to the future) should they propose?
I don't know. I don't care. The proposals will be weasel-worded away.
Just damned well go and get off our backs.

Works for me

'There are those who look at things the way they are and ask why...I dream of things that never were and ask why not?'

Don't know where it comes from. However, I second whoever it was that first stated this earth shaking little saying.

November

I'm finding that I have some sort of objection to November. I noticed it last year but thought it was just me but already this year I am starting to lose interest in this month. It always used to be one of my favourites - the starkness of the empty trees, dramatic skies at dawn and sunset, the uncertaintity of what sort of weather each day would bring.
Nowadays, I find myself annoyed at the fallen leaves which clutter everything. The skies generally portend bad weather and almost every day seems bad. I used to get a lot of enjoyment out of snow-covered landscapes that reduced everything to black and white; I hope I am not going to be deprived of that.
I am unsure whether I can get into politician mode and blame it all on global warming or if it just a Grumpy Old Sod sort of thing. I try to run ahead by repeating the 'Oh to be in England, now that Aprils here' mantra but it does not do much for me. April is such a long while away. P

Well now - that's clever

Who would have imagined that in this day and age, someone could do this sort of thing? Given that, why the hell is texting getting so common.

watch your tense and case

oh baby
i want to be your direct object.
you know, that is to say
i want to be on the other
side of all the verbs i know
you know how to use.

i've seen you conjugate:
i touch
you touched
you heard
she knows
who cares

i'm interested in
a few decent prepositions:
above, over, inside, atop,
below, around and
i'm sure there are more
right on the tip of
your tongue.

i am ready to spend
the present perfect
splitting your infinitive
there's an art to the way you
dangle your participle and

since we're being informal it's okay to
use a few contractions, like
wasn't (going to)
shouldn't (have)
and a conjunction:
but (did it anyway)

and i'm really really glad
you're not into dependent
clauses since all i'm really
interested in is your
bad, bad grammar
and your exclamation point.

In your local bookshop now

Not going to put this on my Amazon wish-list.

Courage?

This comes from an American blog. I'm not going to include any link for reasons that will come clear.

I am writing to let you know that my father has been diagnosed this week with cancer in his lungs. It appears to be in an advanced stage. We don’t know for sure what kind it is because we have decided not to pursue all of the tests necessary for a definitive diagnoses, but the lung specialist has called it a probable bronchial alveolar lesion. In addition there are enlarged lymph nodes in his abdomen of unknown etiology which may be cancer also. Dad has returned from the hospital to the nursing unit of the R.P. Home. He is resting easily and does not appear to be in much distress from the lung lesion. He does continue to have severe pain in his lower back from spinal stenosis. He accepts this news with a calm and sure faith in the gospel of Jesus Christ. He does not see that he has any more work to do for the Lord now, and is ready to go to his fathers. He believes that resurrection beats death every time. Dad and Mother's address is:

This guy is going down the route that I would try and follow if this came to my door. Whilst I'm of no known religion, it is clear that some belief can be very sustaining. I would have to rely on the strength of my main adage "shit happens".

Apply for ID Card early - instructions

The image will enlarge if clicked. (Note confident use of 'will')

Muslim "problem" - another cure?

I see this as a reasoned and well-expressed posting.
How To Fix Europe's Muslim Problem
To figure out why Muslims integrate so poorly into Western societies you have to look at why other religious have integrated well. If you do that, the solution to Europe's problems with Muslims is obvious - free their women. This will be expensive but bring huge upside.This behavior comparison technique is used by criminologists to cut through liberal cant. If social conditions made Johnny bad, how come other kids in the same school/housing/family turned out fine?Europe and the US are full of people from poor and backward nations who play a productive and peaceful part in their new societies. For example, here's another snip from the Theodore Dalrymple piece used in the post on muslim killers (my emphasis):Many young Muslims, unlike the sons of Hindus and Sikhs who immigrated into Britain at the same time as their parents, take drugs, including heroin. They drink, indulge in casual sex, and make nightclubs the focus of their lives. Work and careers are at best a painful necessity, a slow and inferior means of obtaining the money for their distractions.UK society contains Hindus and Sikhs at all levels - they have strong community spirit, but they intermarry with and are respected by the native Brits.The big difference is the way these religions treat women. Here's how Indian Hindus see Indian Muslim treatment of women.THE NATIONAL Commission for Women has done a distinct service to society by coming out with its report on the status of Muslim women in India. Penned by Syeda Saiyidain Hameed, it is literally the `Voice of the voiceless.' Many girls are married off before they are 15. The man has the right to have more than one wife. And he can divorce them at will - with the triple utterance of the word talaq. This talaq can even be conveyed by phone or post-card. ...There is a vicious circle of large families, poverty, little education and less employment. According to the 1991 census, Muslims are 12.12 per cent of the population. But only 4 per cent of Indians who finish school are Muslim. Only 4 per cent Indians in government jobs are Muslim. And nobody seems to know how to break this vicious circle. To an objective observer the solution is clear enough; there must be a ban on polygamy and triple talaq. A divorced woman - and her minor children - must be maintained as long as she does not remarry. They must have smaller families and they must take greater care to send their children to school.Of course Indian Hindu society, like our own, has only recently ceased to treat women as inferiors. But unlike Muslim society it has made the transition, for example electing a woman as president in 1966. The Sikh religion appears to have treated women as equals earlier than any other society:Against this backdrop it is significant that Sikhism, one of the world's youngest religions, accorded women complete equality with men in all spheres of life over five hundred years ago.All of which explains why the US and UK have so many Hindu and Sikh women professionals.This isn't intended to romanticize women, who are of course often extremely irritating and lack a proper interest in, for example, the finer points of cars. But it doesn't take a lot of analysis to see that a society that suppresses the talents of half of its people is going to lose out against one that doesn't.So the way to civilize the Muslim killers hiding in Brit society & the rioters in France and Denmark is to free their women. This big project is vastly preferable to the alternatives of deporting and/or repressing tens of millions of people.To achieve this, European societies have to ensure that Muslim women are fully educated, that they are protected from brutalization by Muslim males, and that the Muslim quasi-legal basis for treating women as chattels is extirpated.As well as changes in laws, this will need lots of cops - preferably women and probably armed. Cops to keep the streets safe for women, cops to make sure that young women are not prevented from attending school (common in the UK), cops to bust very family member who commits or abets an honor killing or beating (common in Germany), cops to protect the educators.And look at the upside! Native Europeans are not reproducing enough and face dilution by Muslim incomers. If they do nothing, they'll be overrun by barbarians, whereas if they free Muslim women their societies will peacefully prosper.

Defend yourself

I got this from the Lexis legal site.

The Bill to change the law on resisting intruders received early rebuffs in Government, signalling it will struggle to become law. Under the plan, only those who use "grossly disproportionate force" against an intruder would leave themselves liable to prosecution. At present, the law allows homeowners to use only "reasonable force" in defence of themselves and their homes.

To my cynical but untutored eye, this looks like another Government dogs' dinner on the part of those who draw up planned legislation. Opponents say that the existing law is sufficient and there have been very few - albeit well-publicised - cases where charges have been brought. We have the present standard of "reasonable" force with the proposed barrier for the new Act being "grossly disproportionate" force. So, beyond reasonable or plain disproportionate will be OK. Who will decide what is ordinary disproportionate (?) and what is grossly etc? On this sort of thing, are the fortunes of my friends in wigs made.

My dog continues to amaze me. She is wary of dogs we meet in public - she was bitten by a rogue Labrador when a pup. We were walking in some woods today and she was off checking on her stock of rabbits. Coming along the path towards me was a fairly large Alsatian. He was very alert and stopped, hair raised, and snarled at me. It was not the sort of snarl that would respond to kindness and the mutt did not sit when I gave it a trainer's sort of instruction. I was just adjusting my balance to give it a quick kick in the slats if it came closer when Sable appeared. She stood alongside me and snarled at the much larger dog. Not a trace of fear. The other dog went off sideways into the undergrowth and that was that.

In her case, what she did was well within the bounds of reasonable never mind disproportionate.

Mt wife The Project Manager - Part TWO

The work in our bathroom has now been completed. Despite B & Q rather than because of them.
Individually, each part of their survey, fitting and customer service team seem capable of doing a good job. The problem seems to be getting them all on-side as one team. We had a delivery that was short of all items and included a unserviceable item. We were given a date for uplift of the broken item and delivery of the items required. That took place but we still did not have a complete set of bits. Various suggestions were put forward as to what would happen next. As we had had so much faffing about, we insisted on very close estimates as to the time things would happen.
This attitude was not catered for. Then came the suggestion that everything be put back for a week whilst everything was collected. We did not want this - their not being able to get it right in six weeks convinced us it would not happen in one. Then we realised we had sufficient parts to deal with the bath replacement. This, of course, was all we really wanted. We told B & Q we were so dissatistied that we were cancelling the works on w.c. and hand basin. They agreed to this so we had a result.
Well done Norma - we'll make a project manager of you yet!

Afterthought

I wrote about The Master and his article where he expressed wish to a a pole-dancers' pole. When I wrote it there was something in my mind that I wanted to add. It just would not come to me.
This morning I woke up and straight away remembered. The singer Blondie used to sing a song in which she expressed the wish

I wanna go to Heaven before I die

That's what I wanted to add. Strange how the mind works isn't it?

OK - see what your result is

I am 19% Idiot.

I am not annoying at all. In fact most people come to me for advice. Of course they annoy the hell out of me. But what can I do? I am smarter than most people.

Take the
Idiot Test
@ FualiDotCom

Examples abound

I recently bought a book on creative writing as I thought it might lead to something. I'm still being creative about that idea. However, that man whom I now follow like a disciple, has just posted this.

We are not entirely without ambition. Often I have seen a young lovely in Bangkok, on Patpong or Nana Plaza or Soi Cowboy, revolving without excessive clothing around a brass pole in a dim club with disco thumping in the murk and almond eyes watching for a flicker of interest. I do not want to be president, nor a Rothschild nor a computer magnate. But a brass pole in Bangkok, that I could be.

Snap

In the late 1970s Snoopy embarked upon a journey to visit Daisy Hill, only to find that the puppy farm had been replaced by a six-story parking garage.

This is the same sort of dreadful event that happens to me. The vandals destroy my heritage.

Sorry - this is a must

Iranian kills woman when she proposes
Mon Oct 31, 2005 12:19 PM ET

TEHRAN (Reuters) - A 52-year-old Iranian has been sentenced to death for killing his 70-year-old lover when she asked to marry him, a newspaper reported Monday.

A court report in the Etemad daily said a taxi driver, identified only as Hamidreza, became furious when his elderly lover Setareh proposed marriage.

"I went to her house and she said she had deep feelings for me and suggested we get married," he told the court.

Hamidreza explained he already had a wife and children. "She then got frustrated and slapped me," he said.

The man knocked her unconscious and suffocated her with bed-sheets before making off with her jewelry.

I haven't put a link to this as this is all there is and and veracity issue would be minor compared to this.

But, just think - if this guy came to England we would all be enjoined to think of him as one of us and make him welcome.

Mind you, if there are any other 70 year-old Iranian women (any nationality considered though) who wish to - and can - keep a 52 year-old interested by sex alone, please give her my details.

Time out

I found this on my wanderings. Sums up how I seem to be feeling right now. So, though this is nicked from another - it's my message for a while.

Despite what the above picture suggests, I haven't gone to the beach, nor am I currently walking into the sea never to be heard of again. I'm merely very tired and distinctly uninspired. Mind too full and too empty at the same time. And although it's pathetic, I hate looking at or even thinking about a neglected weblog page containing nothing more than the ongoing self-pity that has characterised recent posts. So I'm taking a break for a while. Back soon. Ish.

Something more on avian flu

This is from Diamond Geezer - so, not much doubt about his origins.

H5N1 Chistmas

Hi Mum. Hi Dad.

Sorry, but for the first time in my life I'm not able to be with you this Christmas. At least it's not my fault, it's that damned bird flu. Even if I was allowed to leave London, which I'm not, I don't think I'd ever be able to get round the Felixstowe Exclusion Zone. I've heard they shoot people who try to cross the M25 now, so it's really not worth the risk. And I understand things are really bad up your way too, all coughing and choking and spluttering everywhere. Maybe if you'd realised Norfolk was a county full of potentially disease-ridden turkeys you wouldn't have moved there in the first place. Is Bernard Matthews still on the critically ill list?

London's a very strange city at the moment, or at least it was the last time I dared venture out a couple of days ago. I bet I looked really stupid wearing a dustmask, but I'd still rather look stupid than risk catching something. The streets of East London were as empty as you might expect, although Christmas lights still shone defiantly in a few windows. It took a couple of hours until I finally found a shop that was still stocked and open. I'd never normally pay fifty quid for some rice and a few tins of something with a foreign label, but these are desperate times. I passed a handful of sick-looking people lying under blankets in doorways with the telltale red splotchmarks across their faces. You'd think the authorities would have taken them off the streets by now, but the few council lorries I saw seemed to be busy transporting corpses instead. I shan't be going out again.

I've not been into the office for ages, which suits me because taking the tube was starting to feel like a kind of viral Russian roulette. But it's strange staying indoors all day every day. At least there's the internet for company, but when the power cuts come I just curl up under the duvet with a good book. Much better than the endless public information films on the telly anyway. All those surplus IKEA tealights are starting to come in very useful - I hope yours haven't run out yet. The wailing from the flat directly above me finally stopped last night. All that constant moaning and wheezing was really getting on my nerves, but somehow the empty silence is far far worse. And I'm still waking up every morning and praying that my light sniffle hasn't developed into anything more serious. So far so good - it's probably just a cold - but's it's really worrying all the same.

So, I'm celebrating Christmas with three cards, a box of handkerchiefs and one of my remaining cans of lager (I'm saving the other one for New Year). I stockpiled a turkey ready meal in the freezer last month before this whole crisis worsened, but I fear it's semi-defrosted too many times now. Maybe I'll just have to make do with the last of the Advent chocolates for lunch. Then, if the electricity holds out, I'll listen to the King's Christmas Broadcast - see if he can wring an ounce of hope out of the whole dreadful situation. Sorry I've not managed to buy you a present this year. BUPA sold out of online gift subscription packs weeks ago, and multipack boxes of tissues are just too bulky to post. I'm glad to that hear you're both still fit and well (see, that flu jab in October was worth it), and long may the two of you stay that way. Happy clucking Christmas.

2,000th US soldier killed in Iraq

If you are able
save for them a place
inside of you
and save a backward glance
when you are leaving
for the places they can no longer go.
Be not ashamed to say
you loved them
though you may
or may not have always.
Take what they have left
and what they have taught you
with their dying
and keep it with your own.
And in that time
when men decide and feel safe
to call the war insane
take one moment to embrace
those gentle heroes
you left behind.

Read this guy - he's good

My wife - the project manager

Norma has appointed herself Project Manager for refurbishment of bathroom. Bath that had been resurfaced started to chip so search initiated for replacement of bath. Scheme One- remove bath altogether and have super-size walk about shower. Contractor initially selected turned out to be rip-off merchant.
Project shelved as too difficult.
Chips became larger.
Search for alternatives identified B & Q who have remodelling teams.
B & Q interested but only do total refits - i.e. everything including bath, loo and handbasin. Declined by Manager as outside scope.
Ch Exec Officer (guess who?) ruled that whole thing was better than chipped bath getting worse.
B & Q supplied brochures etc. Considerable confusion ensued at project site.
Consultant called to advise, reconcile and obtain order. Ordered but everything put on hold until fitter had visited.
Changes in design post-consultant but prior to fitter visit.
Fitter visits. Changes identified. Whole project re-costed - OK within budget. Fitter then advises that some of consultant's ideas were not possible. Further re-evaluation and changes.
B & Q Customer Satisfaction team introduce themselves. Want to deliver bath next day - 5 weeks ahead of start of site works commencing. Declined after much debate.
Satisfaction team announce delivery date - no time specified. Project Manager fairly relaxed.
Satisfaction team advise that delivery would be between 8 and 12 next day. Project Manager assumes 12 is time they will come.
8.10 this morning. Delivery. Project Manager in dressing gown, sans make up or brushed hair. Show delivery man where goods were to be stored in spare bedroom. Driver advises he does not deliver above first floor level. OMG. To be stacked in hallway.
Quite clear that B & Q are keen users of IT. Some items not delivered. Toilet pan that was delivered is cracked. Some wrong items included.
Consultation with Satisfaction team. Serious misnomer. Consultant might deliver/exchange items that were u/s. Might not. No one too sure. Team to initiate email to consultant and advise response. May have information ahead of fitting date.
Installation team due next Tuesday. Current state of play is that there is not enough of any one package for them to do anything other than rip-out what we have. Project Manager somewhat disconcerted. Our planning with crib board and matches surpasses entire efforts of B & Q so far.
This saga will continue.
We have not yet got to stage where fag-smoking, tea-drinking, loud radio-playing, arse-crack displaying workers appear. Lack of materials doubtless intentional to allow the fitters to move to another job and leave us loo-less, bath-less and handbasin-less.
Contingency plan to move with washing implements into B & Q warehouse/showrooms where we will avail ourselves of the display items.
Project manager was intending to move onto kitchen rejuvenation. I doubt that this will figure large in plans given this experience even so far.

Foot in mouth returns?

Whilst I do not run with the bird flu pandemic worries shown in some of our more sensational media, I reckon there is cause for a little dignified concern. The 1918 figures as to numbers of deaths and the rate at which the virus spread make it seem like some Weapon of Mass Destruction. Obviously, hygiene levels and spread controls were not then so sophisticated as we now have. People lived in closer proximity. The tamiflu protection did not exist. Even now we have it, it only works on ordinary flue. Even then, it needs to be injected within 48 hours of onset of flu.
But, it seems that the actual make-up of the drug that will be used to counter avian/human flu has to be tailored to suit the way the virus has changed so as to get from animal to human food chain. This means that production cannot start until we have cases up, running, declared and identified. Somewhere I saw that this process could take months with distribution and vaccination adding more time. All the while the dangerous-to-humans strain is amongst us.
OK - there will be delays involving the uncontrolled spread of the killer infection. Our Government seems sanguine about this. Remember how confident they were that foot and mouth was no big deal? So, put your faith in the politicians and 'experts'. Then I read that the testing which laid the blame at the door of some South American parrot may not have been all that wonderful. Could have been some Taiwanese chick that shared with the guacho. Just a minor error - one or the other was right and they are now all dead anyway. But, says Doubting Thomas, there had been a consignment of birds at the quarantine centre that overlapped the Taiwanese. Maybe some of them were sick but unnoticed. Where are they now? Sold to individuals.
I have not seen anything (yet) regarding application of ministerial boot to chemists' arse on the topic of getting things a little bit more on the ball.
The drug company that will - in the fullness of time - produce the avian flu antidote has said that to get things in gear, it will need additional factory space and feels it should be recompensed for this. Enter old moneybags Brown. Cue delays.
Doubtless there will be dispute as to who gets the counter-agent as the first supplies trickle down. Something I have every confidence our government will solve. Not.
I don't suppose they will have to burn dead humans as they did the cattle and other livestock; all I hope is that Brigadier who solved disposal last time, is still on hand.
So - I am not panicking. I can see the potential for an almighty cock-up. I wait - I would say with baited breath but puns are cheap and objectional in matters of life and death.
I have done my bit to help. Talking with an old codger the other day, he asked how we would know if we had bird flu. I explained we should be suspicious if we started to mount our ladies from the rear with much cackling and flapping of arms whilst stamping our feet. He said he'd try to avoid this but they did need the eggs.

Deja vue

These last couple of days have reinforced my determination that there is no way I could return to being a parent. I don't care what Norma may have rolled up in an old hanky a la Monica whatnot's blue dress. She will never get my consent to do some magic DNA thing or whatever.
Having two teen-agerish guests is OK until idea becomes reality. We are lucky that we have two very good ones here - we have the benefit that we can detect their Wood genes from their mother and know how to deal with those. It is just the constant pressure to be doing, responding, reacting yadda yadda that is slowly killing us. I was heaving for breath coming up steep sand dunes today and stopped before my eyes went like a fruit machine wheel. I explained that I was getting old and needed to stop more than I used to. Reply was "Yes, I know. Comes to us all one day" Such wisdom eh?
Still, they have to return as the sparrow breaks wind tomorrow morning. We will then sink back into sloth-impersonation mode. We will have plenty of "Yes, I know"-type moments to keep us amused for quite a while. But, for sure, contact with youth has not rubbed off on me and made me feel any younger.

Birds fly in

Drove over the tops to Hadington this morning en-route for the Air Museum at East Fortune. This is where they have one of the Concorde aircraft that was retired af few years ago. They have made it a nice feature - well presented with plenty of modern technology.
As we got quite high up, we saw two big skeins of geese fly over. There must have been more that 100 in all. A short while later we saw another big mass of birds going in the same direction as the earlier lot.

Those were the days

I've been reading the Battle of Britain reports for this day back then. Whilst we lived very close to Hornchurch fighter base, the overall situation was not generally divulged. We lost so many gallant guys may have been one reason but security will have been uppermost in the minds of media censors. It was a close run thing and the reports are well worth a read - or at least a quick scan.

Islamic flu

Mark Steyn does another of his Islamic studies in today’s Telegraph. What is clever is that he has based the article on avian flu and the doubts we may have had as to it’s inevitability and manner of diffusion. It is at the end – almost en passant – that he ties it in with the pan-Islam agenda. Neat writing following on good research.
All was solved this morning at the doctors. I had to see the Vampire Lady and get a blood check started. She did the blood pressure thing as well and seemed quite happy at the result. One would hope so too given the amount of medication I am taking.

Weird quiz.

You scored as Existentialist. Existentialism emphasizes human capability. There is no greater power interfering with life and thus it is up to us to make things happen. Sometimes considered a negative and depressing world view, your optimism towards human accomplishment is immense. Mankind is condemned to be free and must accept the responsibility. Existentialist 94% Romanticist 88% Modernist 81% Cultural Creative 69% Materialist 69% Idealist 69% Postmodernist 63% Fundamentalist 44% What is Your World View? (updated) created with QuizFarm.com

Do you have our address Mr. Noah?

Lordy - hasn't it rained today! I looked out of my bedroom window about 4 this morning and it was coming down stair rods. I - almost - swam to Haddington to top up on food and things and even now in the late evening we are still seeing the rain come down. I've gone through two raincoats (I hate putting a cold and wet raincoat back on) and have been in and out of wellies all day it seems. I'm amazed the roads are dealing so well with the water; there were only a couple of places where it had flooded.
The livestock all looked so forlorn. Sheep had huddled together like a big ball of knitting wool and just stood and let the rain wash them down. The cattle were all under the shelter of trees where they had them or just in the wet in open fields. Obviously none of them had time to go into what is supposed to be bad weather mode where they lie down My poor old dog went down for her early morning walk, put head and shoulders outside the door and then pushed back at me. Total refusal to venture further. She came shopping with me and we stopped at the picnic place to give her a run. Still heavy rain but the attraction of a possible bird or rabbit lured her out. Once she was wet, she quite enjoyed herself in the grass and in the river.
Grandchildren Libby and Sam arrive tomorrow for a couple of days. I think we are ready - I've oiled our skates so we can keep up with them.
What with the rotten weather, I've avoided all newscasts on radio or TV and the home page here is Google news so that has been cleared as it loads. The daily survival is all I can cope with - the troubles of Kashmir, Iraq and Cherie B Liar would be just too much more baggage. Thankfully, the banter on the Army Rumour site has kept me amused in the time I had left after swimming about outside and showering – I was about as wet as after a shower and the water is hotter.
I checked the counter today to see what effect, if any, my planting of attractive words might have had. Not much is the short answer. I had a couple of guys from the Arabian Gulf looking for Farouk and one ‘person’ interested in my lambskin rug. The woman with muscles had a small following. I think I’m well capable of devising a blog entry about a playboy Arab King who enjoyed muscular women on a lambskin rug. He was a keen roulette player so perhaps he could lose the girl to a Zionist when 00 came up?
Doctor's appointment tomorrow morning. I know it is nothing to do with my heart caper but otherwise I have not a clue as to what they want to do. I've been racking the walnut that is my brain but cannot work it out. I shall have to do, as StarTrek says with a sad lack of English Grammer and 'boldly go'

Chinese enterprise

'Babies for sale' on Chinese eBay
There is a thriving black market in babies in ChinaChinese police are investigating a report of attempted baby trafficking on an internet auction site, according to a state-owned newspaper. The advertisement was reportedly placed on eBay's Chinese website, Eachnet. Boys were advertised for 28,000 yuan ($3,450) while girls were offered for 13,000 yuan ($1,603), Eachnet manager Tang Lei told the China Daily.
The offer could have been a hoax, but it comes as baby trafficking is seen as an increasing problem in China. China's strict "one child" birth control policy, coupled with the traditional bias for male children, has led to widespread reports of child abductions, and several people have been sentenced to death for their part in smuggling rings.
According to Eachnet, the advertisement was registered in Shanghai on 16 October.
The seller, under the user name "Chuangxinzhe Yongyuan" or "innovator forever", said the babies would be available within 100 days of their birth. The seller said the service was being provided for the benefit of China's millions of infertile couples. All the children were described as coming from Henan province in central China. Although no deals were struck, more than 50 people browsed the listing before it was removed, including one who left an enquiry.
According to Tang Lei, the website automatically screens all the postings it receives. But the word "baby" is not seen as a forbidden term because so many baby products are advertised on the site.
Mr Tang admitted the posting may have been a hoax - but he added that, if not, the person responsible for the attempted sale could face many years in prison or even the death penalty.

Answers please.

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
Do crematoriums give discounts to burn victims?
Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?
Do fish get thirsty?
Do hummingbirds hum because they don't know the words?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
What makes cheese so confidential that we need cheese shredders?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Puppies

No dogs were harmed in the making of this image.