Rest day

I’m giving the creative side of my brain a bit of a rest today – as in Monty Python ‘Ooh doctor, my brain hurts’. Instead I’ve garnered these things from what is wandering about the internet. I like that word garnered; must see if I can get it in a bit more.

What follows is a list of different occupations. You must select at least five of them. You may add more if you like to your list before you pass it on (after you select five of the items as it was passed to you). Of the five you selected, you are to finish each phrase with what you would do as a member of that profession. Then pass it on to three other bloggers.

Here's that list:
If I could be a scientist... If I could be a farmer...
If I could be a musician... If I could be a doctor...
If I could be a painter... If I could be a gardener...
If I could be a missionary... If I could be a chef...
If I could be an architect... If I could be a linguist...
If I could be a psychologist... If I could be a librarian...
If I could be an athlete... If I could be a lawyer...
If I could be an innkeeper... If I could be a professor...
If I could be a writer... If I could be a backup dancer...
If I could be a llama-rider... If I could be a bonnie pirate...
If I could be a midget stripper... If I could be a proctologist...
If I could be a TV-Chat Show host... If I could be an actor...
If I could be a judge... If I could be a Jedi...If I could be a mob boss...
If I could be a backup singer...If I could be a CEO...
If I could be a movie reviewer... If I could be a monkey's uncle...

If I could be a monkey's uncle
This phrase, to greet something with derision, emerged after Darwin published The Origin of Species. His theory, that humans evolved from and were therefore related to apes, was considered so laughably absurd at the time that 'I'm a monkey's uncle' became a popular reference both to rubbish his ideas and convey incredulity.


Proctologist Exam
A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.

When the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but what's the beer for?"

At that instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, nurse! I said a butt light!"

Actually, I find this a subject best referred to as a joke. I had it done once digitally and once as part of a barium enema when they introduced something the size of the nozzle on a fireman’s hose. I had hoped the enema would turn me into a singer like Elton John but it was not to be.

If I could be a bonnie pirate
http://www.fidius.org/quiz/pirate/
My pirate name is Bloody John Bonney. Every pirate lives for something different. For some, it's the open sea. For others (the masochists), it's the food. For you, it's definitely the fighting. You can be a little bit unpredictable, but a pirate's life is far from full of certainties, so that fits in pretty well. Arr!
There was meant to be a bit of html here but it didn't want to work. To misquote that lovely lady Nigella Lawson - 'Life is too busy to stuff html' Actually, I'm not sure it was Nigella but the thought of her pleases me immensly so I'll stick with it now.

If I could be a painter
I would tend more towards the Picasso end of the spectrum rather than a pictorialist. I can use the digital camera for that sort of thing. With a quick squirt of Photoshop, the result would be exactly what I saw – which may differ from what was there.

If I could be a Jedi
Well, actually I am. At the time of the last National Census, there was a drive to get the Jedi religion added to the list of beliefs already on the form by adding it as a write-in. Such was the response that we came about fourth on the list of faiths. I was one of them. If ever I have to go onto Social Services for a hand-out, I’ll demand a light sabre as something necessary to practise my religion.

Spent quite a bit of today wandering about just looking at what was going on in the fields. All the green that is going to come is here now. I spent fully half an hour watching lambs playing. Favourite game seemed to be King of The Castle where they see who can stay on top of a bit of raised ground the longest whilst the others try and push them off. Someone has somehow garnered (good) a whole load of logs alongside a river. However, there is no sign of any cut-down plantation or tyre tracks of whatever got the logs from there to the side of the road. Even managed - with the binos - to watch a farm type replay the plot of Run Rabbit Run. I suppose that is another definition of retired - being able to do this sort of thing.