My sexual inadequacies

“Do you want a bigger penis?”
“Get Viagra and make her scream”
“Balance a brick on your penis”

All offers I found when clearing my spam trap today.

What a sad life it must be to sit in some drab and dreary office sending out this sort of e-mail. One hopes that their own sex life is properly catered for; there must be little worse than sending out hopes of Nirvana when conscious of even the slightest personal imperfection.

A bigger penis? Bigger than what – or who? Is there some sort of clandestine database where sizes are logged so that the offer goes to the appropriate person? Does it come (sorry – no pun intended) with a money back offer and would I be required to submit before and after photographs?

Make her scream? I cannot know what the objective of the sender may be but it was never the primary requirement of any of my couplings to raise a scream. I did that merely by undressing. If the claims of the bigger penis offer are to be trusted, then surely that alone would suffice. Anyway, there was a recent press report that a woman was served with an Anti-Social Behaviour Order purely because of her reaching the top C note on orgasm. Would I want a lover with an ankle tag tearing my silk sheets?

Balance a brick on your penis? Sounds like fun. I have to add that this offer came with the strap line of ‘Don’t try this at home’. This supposes I happen to have the odd house brick to hand in my boudoir. And what follows the balancing act – would she award points for style as well as execution like some ice dance performance?

So, all in all, there seems little to attract in just these few sad temptations. I’ve left off commenting on the one that claimed their Viagra would let me use my sexual organ as a billiard cue. Just too much trouble applying the chalk I think.

The other thing that comes across is the sexual bias in these things. Man is shown as the failure or the less than perfect lover. None of the propositions were aimed (again – no pun intended) at the ladies. Can it be that they are perfect? Answers on a postcard please.