Saturday, 12 November 2005
It seems that just about everyone has had a go at trying to solve the problem.
All the professionals have had their input and even with the best efforts of our Positive Arrest policy makers, a quarter of the violent crime in the Metropolis is domestic related. Maybe it’s time I had a go? I know I’m not the best qualified to do this. Without a degree in something very relevant and a large government budget I don’t expect you to pay any attention to me. But, I reckon I can completely eliminate the problem with a simple 3 step programme.
If you have felt the need to call us to play referee in your life because you haven’t grown up sufficiently to sort your problems out for yourselves and without the need for crossed words, then you may want to follow this simple plan:-
Brian’s Guide To Domestic Bliss©
Step 1:- Seek Employment.
Being ‘on the sick’ doesn’t count, nor does Community Service. I appreciate that this may come as a bit of a shock. Having spent a lifetime living off my taxes it can be a difficult transition to make. If you are both gainfully employed then the time you spend together will be minimised. So much so that you are unlikely to want us to pop round and ruin your precious moments together. Until you have a real job, you’ll have to live with your mum in your old room complete with football posters and lingerie catalogues.
Step 2:- Stop Drinking.
It is very rare for me to turn up to practice what the policy makers are preaching and finding that both parties are sober. In fact, more often than not, both have been on the partner beating juice. By all means you can drink, but you aren’t permitted to be under the influence when in the presence of your loved one. Try herbal tea instead, it can be very relaxing.
Step 3:- Engage In A Same-Sex Relationship.
Now, I understand that this might not have been the first thought on your mind once you’ve got a job and are relatively sober. But, bear with me, this is the crucial bit. People have made a lot of money out of telling us that men and women are from different planets. They meant you when they were saying this. It’s clear you have a bit of problem with the opposite sex, so it only follows that you should consider a same-sex relationship. Right?
I’m aware that there are issues surrounding the under-reporting of same-sex domestics, and that when we do get called they are ‘real’ ones. Little spats and arguments over the TV remote tend not to warrant a call to us. We only get involved when sharp implements have been used by both sides.
Of the many, many hundreds of domestics I’ve been to, a grand total of three have been between partners of the same sex. All of them were drunk and bleeding profusely.
If only they had called sooner.
We could have solved things over a cup of Camomile.
Friday, 11 November 2005
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look like the way they do?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If the product says "Do not use if seal is broken", how are you supposed to open it and use it?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
If time heals all wounds, how come bellybuttons don't fill in?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
If you get into a taxi cab, and ask the driver to drive backwards to your destination, will the cab driver owe you money?
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If your car says Dodge on the front of it, do you really need a horn?
If you're a kleptomaniac, is there something you can take for it?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
In court, why do they ask if you swear to tell the truth? If you're planning on lying, do they really think you'll tell them so?
Instead of wasting time hunting and cooking, why don't hunters just use flame-throwers?
Is "tired old cliché" one?
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
Is a halfback more valuable than a quarterback?
Is a sleeping bull a bull-dozer?
Is a small pig called a hamlet?
Is an oxymoron a really dumb bovine?
Is drilling for oil boring?
Is duck tape made out of ducks?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Is that a flying saucer or a pie in the sky?
Is the nose the scenter of the face?
Is this bullshit or fertilizer?
Now that Microsoft is so big, should it be called Macrosoft?
Sexual harassment at work-is it a problem for the self-employed? --Victoria Wood
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Since there is a speed of light and a speed of sound, is there a speed of smell?
The Scarecrow got a brain, Tin Man got a heart, Lion got courage, Dorothy got home, what did Toto get?
Was the pole vault accidentally discovered by a clumsy javelin thrower?
What are imitation rhinestones?
What do batteries run on?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do penguins wear for play clothes?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?
What do they call a French kiss in France?
What do they call coffee breaks at the Lipton Tea Company?
What do you call a bedroom with no bed in it?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What do you call male ballerinas?
What do you say if you're talking to God, and he sneezes?
What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
What happened to the first 6 UP's?
What happens if you go on a survival course - and you don't pass?
What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
What happens when none of your bees wax?
What happens when you swallow your pride?
What if hell really did freeze over? What would we be using instead?
What if someone died in the living room?
What if the hokey pokey really is what it's all about?
What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
What is "Soft Liquor"?
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What is a refried bean? Why do they have to fry it twice?
What is shaved ice? Did it have hair on it before it was shaved?
What is the diameter of a square?
What is the speed of dark?
What kind of fruit is in Juicy Fruit gum?
What makes cheese so confidential that we actually need cheese shredders?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
What's the synonym for thesaurus?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
When cows laugh, does milk come out of their noses?
When day breaks who fixes it?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
When night falls who picks it up?
When people lose weight, where does it go?
When something fades in the sunlight, where did the colors go?
When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?
When we say our mind wanders - where does it go?
When you put a sheet over your head for Halloween, are you a ghost or a mattress?
Where are the germs that cause 'good' breath?
Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
Where did Webster look up the definitions when he wrote the dictionary?
Where do they get Spring water in the other 3 seasons?
Where does the fire go when the fire goes out?
Where does the white go when the snow melts?
Where does your lap go when you stand up?
Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty is an egg?
Where is Old Zealand?
Which is the other side of the street?
Who killed the Dead Sea?
Who opened that first 'oyster' and said "My, my, my. Now doesn't 'this' look yummy!"
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to see an egg come from a chicken's butt and think, "I'll bet that would be good to eat?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?
Why are all blackboards called that when some of them are green?Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why are highways build so close to the ground?
Why are raisins called raisins if they are only dried grapes? Why not just call them dried grapes?
Why are some gay people so unhappy?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are they called "stands" when they're made for sitting?
Why are violets blue and not violet?
Why are you expected to slow down in a speed zone?
Why aren't there ever any guilty bystanders?
Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free?
Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?
Why can't we tickle ourselves?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why did the pot call the kettle black?
Why do ballet dancers dance on their toes? Why doesn't the company just hire taller dancers?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Why do flamingos stand on only one leg?
Why do flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
Why do mattresses have springs, if they aren't made for jumping on?
Why do people always remember where they were when someone famous was killed? Do they feel perhaps they'll need an alibi?
Why do people go to the unemployment office to find a job?
Why do people park in driveways and drive on parkways?
Why do people tell you when they are speechless?
Why do pigs have curly tails?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it 'chili' if it's hot?
The name of the author is the first to go
followed obediently by the title, the plot,
the heartbreaking conclusion, the entire novel
which suddenly becomes one you have never read,
never even heard of,
as if, one by one, the memories you used to harbor
decided to retire to the southern hemisphere of the brain,
to a little fishing village where there are no phones.
Long ago you kissed the names of the nine Muses goodbye
and watched the quadratic equation pack its bag,
and even now as you memorize the order of the planets,
something else is slipping away, a state flower perhaps,
the address of an uncle, the capital of Paraguay.
Whatever it is you are struggling to remember,
it is not poised on the tip of your tongue,
not even lurking in some obscure corner of your spleen.
It has floated away down a dark mythological river
whose name begins with an L as far as you can recall,
well on your own way to oblivion where you will join those
who have even forgotten how to swim and how to ride a bicycle.
No wonder you rise in the middle of the night
to look up the date of a famous battle in a book on war.
No wonder the moon in the window seems to have drifted
out of a love poem that you used to know by heart.
The British Legion red poppy is sold to raise funds for those who remain alive but suffer from events of such encounters. Less and less poppies are being sold. Volunteers who have been selling them were threatened. There is a movement to institute white poppies for those who have antipathy to military memorials. Generally, those who made the ultimate sacrifice are being forgotten and, more importantly, the reasons that they gave their lives are derided.
Whilst the wounds of war were still sore, a Army padre set in chain a series of events that were to lead to a unknown warrior being interred in Westminster Abbey alongside illustrious men in a ceremony that would normally only be afforded to the highest generals. The bodies of a number of men buried on the battlefields were gathered together and a random selection made. The utmost attention was paid to keeping this man’s identity secret. He was therefore able to serve as the single focus of remembrance and honour for the very large number of men who disappeared between 1914 and 1918. Bear in mind that battlefields of those times were not described as today such as “killing grounds” but were named as “mincing machines”. Men were buried where they fell. It was not always possible to mark the grave at that time.
The idea of having Unknown Warriors spread around the world.
There exists a movement in America to use the very latest DNA techniques to seek to identify their Warrior. It seems that this is possible. Doubtless, this proposal will come to us and be taken up by the Knowledge is All people. I cannot think of much that is more hideous. Apart from the fact that a grave will have to be violated, identifying the Warrior will destroy the whole reason for it’s existence. No more will I be able to honour a great-uncle who could well be the man chosen. Anyone who knows that a long-dead relative was killed, burial place unknown, will be deprived of a physical focus for their grief. In a modern world where we seem to go overboard on such matters – what I call the Lady Di Syndrome – this is just nonsense.
We here were put into the care of something called NHS 24 for our out of hours cover. This was some centrally administered call centre - surprisingly not out-sourced to the Indian sub-continent.
As time went on, it became apparent that we had jumped out of the tender arms of Borderdoc into the slavering jaws of a government agency. There were shortages of doctors, doctors who did not know where remote communities were, communication difficulties with local dialect. You name it - NHS 24 were cocking it up - I don't know about overall but certainly in the Scottish Borders. There were the usual bland responses - "It's new and needs time to settle down" which processed through blaming the IT resources to admitting "isolated" mistakes. Doctors were flown in from Europe rather like Saturday Girls at reputed cost of £600 per hour. New study groups are afoot to rectify what is now admitted as a rubbish response.
The foregoing just describes the work, annoyance and costs involved in this great Blue Sky, Out of The Box Thinking initiative.
So, today, Skippy Hewitt decides that she must ask GPs to put in more hours in the evenings and at week-ends. To make the medical services more efficient. So that people have better choice as to appointment arrangements to see a doctor. Little Fat Buddha, what on earth will this government come up with next in the Advancement of Rubbish Ideas?
Thursday, 10 November 2005
Joint Chiefs head, Gen. Peter Pace, warned the President that it might be necessary to send up to 5 marines to get things under control. The general admitted that 5 marines may be overkill but he wanted to get this thing under control within 24 hours of arriving on scene. He stated he was having a hard time finding even one marine to volunteer to help the ungrateful French out for a third time but thought that he could persuade a few women marines to do the job before they went on pregnancy leave.
President Bush asked Gen. Pace to get our marines out of there as soon as possible after order was restored. He also reminded Gen. Pace to make sure the marines did not take soap, razors, or deodorant with them. The less they stand out the better.
Wednesday, 9 November 2005
Undertakers in Ireland are noticing that more people are requesting to be buried with their mobile phone.
The country has had a tradition of people being buried with some of their most treasured possessions probably as a continuation of some ancient pagan practice.
According to AFP, some ask that their mobiles be buried with them in case they are buried alive, they wake up and can phone for help. One funeral director reported how some insist the phone is turned off so that if they so wake up they will have battery power when the phone is turned on again.
Of course this assumes that the relatives have not shut off their contracts, their batteries are not run down and the signal reaches six feet under.
Families burying phones with their loved ones, are encouraged to either turn them off or switch them to silent or vibration alert.
After all nothing is worse than the priest saying "Ashes to Ashes" and suddenly Crazy Frog goes off in the casket. Or you get the latest cricket score.
It might be said that my support of extended detention is all part of being a running dog policeman. The police asked for this period and that is good enough for me. Opponents will say that giving in to police demands is the first slippery step on the staircase to a police state. I don't see it as a demand - it is an assessment of what might, in certain cases, be needed to allow the police to do what we expect of them. Whilst their work after 21 July shows that they are good at detection, prevention is a much better alternative. Terrorism as we now face it is international - the Mr Big jets in and sets things up and is back on a plane leaving Heathrow before his Fundamental Fanatic friend is strapping on his rucksack.
I read an assessment the other day of what was involved in the 21 July enquiry. Over 30 computers were seized. 50 mobile telephones had to be examined. There were some 10,000 pages of print-out. I cannot remember how many lines of enquiry led overseas. We will never have the sort of forensic resources to cope with this workload. On an enquiry of this extent, the IT resources alone are immense. As things develop and news of the enquiry leaks out, things will become more difficult. Stronger encryption will get onto the computers. Mobile phones will be used once and destroyed. All terrorists involved will be taught that they must resist all interrogation for three days to give time for colleagues to go deep and possible evidence destroyed. Given the total lack of concern about - indeed, desire to maximise - death tolls it is essential to stop things in their tracks in advance of an event. This is much harder than waiting for something to go off and then seeing who did what, where, when, with what and in what manner.
So, we will regret an opportunity missed. I just hope that this is not a terrible expensive lesson we will have to pay for in lives.
The guy describes his problems in handling bad cases and how officers lose their way through the pressures that build up.
I can identify with him - what he says is correct and well expressed. Get some insight into how some people deal with what is a very real world unknown to most others.
Tuesday, 8 November 2005
I have no real objection to his wish to leave a impressive memorial. It is just that it would be so false - like a movie studio backdrop of the Grand Canyon in Ealing High Street. Anything that might superficially be seen as good works was bought at great cost. The Good Friday agreement on Northern Ireland? Give the Nationalists what they want and promise them more. Throw the odd bone to the Loyalists. National Health? Where is the improvement one would expect from the immense trainloads of money thrown at it. Social justice and equality? Look around you. Education times 3? This is really some scheme for cutting down umemployment amongst those who would have left school to try and join a job market for which they are totally unqualified. I am sure that his failure to set the date for his departure is because he wants it to coincide with some pseudo-triumph on his part. Go out to a roll of drums.
It cannot be soon enough for my part.
Who would replace him? Who should replace him? What policies (i.e. false promises as to the future) should they propose?
I don't know. I don't care. The proposals will be weasel-worded away.
Just damned well go and get off our backs.
Monday, 7 November 2005
Nowadays, I find myself annoyed at the fallen leaves which clutter everything. The skies generally portend bad weather and almost every day seems bad. I used to get a lot of enjoyment out of snow-covered landscapes that reduced everything to black and white; I hope I am not going to be deprived of that.
I am unsure whether I can get into politician mode and blame it all on global warming or if it just a Grumpy Old Sod sort of thing. I try to run ahead by repeating the 'Oh to be in England, now that Aprils here' mantra but it does not do much for me. April is such a long while away. P
watch your tense and case
i want to be your direct object.
you know, that is to say
i want to be on the other
side of all the verbs i know
you know how to use.
i've seen you conjugate:
i'm interested in
a few decent prepositions:
above, over, inside, atop,
below, around and
i'm sure there are more
right on the tip of
i am ready to spend
the present perfect
splitting your infinitive
there's an art to the way you
dangle your participle and
since we're being informal it's okay to
use a few contractions, like
wasn't (going to)
and a conjunction:
but (did it anyway)
and i'm really really glad
you're not into dependent
clauses since all i'm really
interested in is your
bad, bad grammar
and your exclamation point.
Sunday, 6 November 2005
I am writing to let you know that my father has been diagnosed this week with cancer in his lungs. It appears to be in an advanced stage. We don’t know for sure what kind it is because we have decided not to pursue all of the tests necessary for a definitive diagnoses, but the lung specialist has called it a probable bronchial alveolar lesion. In addition there are enlarged lymph nodes in his abdomen of unknown etiology which may be cancer also. Dad has returned from the hospital to the nursing unit of the R.P. Home. He is resting easily and does not appear to be in much distress from the lung lesion. He does continue to have severe pain in his lower back from spinal stenosis. He accepts this news with a calm and sure faith in the gospel of Jesus Christ. He does not see that he has any more work to do for the Lord now, and is ready to go to his fathers. He believes that resurrection beats death every time. Dad and Mother's address is:This guy is going down the route that I would try and follow if this came to my door. Whilst I'm of no known religion, it is clear that some belief can be very sustaining. I would have to rely on the strength of my main adage "shit happens".