Saturday, 12 November 2005

Domestic bliss

This comes from a serving police officer. I came across it whilst looking into the problems of Ross Kemp and his live-in Editor. Kemp is the fat guy that has (Iunderstand but am not a viewer), just returned to Eastenders and was the sergeant in some risible thing that claimed to be something like the SAS. I like 'Modern Solution' as it shows the sort of attitude of many of my old Met police associates.

Modern Solution

It seems that just about everyone has had a go at trying to solve the problem.

All the professionals have had their input and even with the best efforts of our Positive Arrest policy makers, a quarter of the violent crime in the Metropolis is domestic related. Maybe it’s time I had a go? I know I’m not the best qualified to do this. Without a degree in something very relevant and a large government budget I don’t expect you to pay any attention to me. But, I reckon I can completely eliminate the problem with a simple 3 step programme.

If you have felt the need to call us to play referee in your life because you haven’t grown up sufficiently to sort your problems out for yourselves and without the need for crossed words, then you may want to follow this simple plan:-

Brian’s Guide To Domestic Bliss©

Step 1:- Seek Employment.

Being ‘on the sick’ doesn’t count, nor does Community Service. I appreciate that this may come as a bit of a shock. Having spent a lifetime living off my taxes it can be a difficult transition to make. If you are both gainfully employed then the time you spend together will be minimised. So much so that you are unlikely to want us to pop round and ruin your precious moments together. Until you have a real job, you’ll have to live with your mum in your old room complete with football posters and lingerie catalogues.

Step 2:- Stop Drinking.

It is very rare for me to turn up to practice what the policy makers are preaching and finding that both parties are sober. In fact, more often than not, both have been on the partner beating juice. By all means you can drink, but you aren’t permitted to be under the influence when in the presence of your loved one. Try herbal tea instead, it can be very relaxing.

Step 3:- Engage In A Same-Sex Relationship.

Now, I understand that this might not have been the first thought on your mind once you’ve got a job and are relatively sober. But, bear with me, this is the crucial bit. People have made a lot of money out of telling us that men and women are from different planets. They meant you when they were saying this. It’s clear you have a bit of problem with the opposite sex, so it only follows that you should consider a same-sex relationship. Right?

I’m aware that there are issues surrounding the under-reporting of same-sex domestics, and that when we do get called they are ‘real’ ones. Little spats and arguments over the TV remote tend not to warrant a call to us. We only get involved when sharp implements have been used by both sides.

Of the many, many hundreds of domestics I’ve been to, a grand total of three have been between partners of the same sex. All of them were drunk and bleeding profusely.

If only they had called sooner.

We could have solved things over a cup of Camomile.

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