The Ladies - God bless 'em!!

I have been collecting examples of things that the women in our lives do that annoy us the most. The file is now so huge that I have to release some of them.

Can’t buy food and wait to get home before starting to demolish it. (They open a bag of crisps in the shopping bag to facilitate walking/eating).Pretending to examine the last dress at the door because they don’t want to leave.Asking the time even ‘though they have a watch on.Racing you to the foot of the escalator then taking all day to go up ‘cos it’s too much effort to walk.Rain is made of Sulphuric Acid necessitating a taxi home.“It’s FREEZING in here!”Inability to ask a question then wait for an answer but feel the need to suggest all known alternatives then walk off before you’ve finished answering.Just HAVE to examine whatever item a male is standing in front of to make them move.Don’t look where they are going even ‘though they have zero spatial coordination.Ignore tired screaming toddler so they can examine essentials like costume jewellery at 2100hrs.All conversations with pals must be at 108 decibels so everyone else can hear.
Will go out of their way to walk into you and say “sorry” in a totally empty shop.If there are a group of them then each one asks a bit of the question, known as Shared Brain Syndrome btw.Suck the face off partner when halfway up an escalator. (Look at me I have a boyfriend).Wearing daft high heels, texting and listening to iPod then wondering why they got mugged.Stand in a queue for 5mins to buy a packet of chewing gum.Unable to tell the difference between Navy Blue and Black even ‘though they can see more colours than men.Stopping to look at stuff without telling male partner/children leading to “I’ve lost my husband/children”.Old ladies turning up at lost property looking for their walking sticks...think about it. Shouting “Mum”. Looking round when someone totally unrelated to them shouts “Mum”.Reading out signs to male partner and telling him which shop they are in.
Carrying on an argument once she/you has left the room. Starts of as something simple , which she blows out of all proportion, then drags stuff in from a minor offence from 5 years earlier. You think the argument has finished and leave the room, then they decide to carry it on, and accuse you of not listening when they are speaking to you and you’re 4 rooms away
She asks you a question, you tell her the answer, she flies off the handle. What’s that all about?She has a three week sad on with you, but you’ve no idea why or what you’ve done, and she won’t tell you. Apparently you are supposed to ‘think about it and work it out’. (So you think about it, and walk.)
Why do they have so many pairs of shoes, when they only have 2 feet?Why do they drag you around town for hours at a time just to return to the first shop and buy the original dress?Why do they always think there fashion sense is better than your own?I even knew a woman once who brought a car because and I quote ‘ The colour matches My Jacket’ even though the car cost her loads of cash to keep it running!
Asking a question to which they already know the answer. Asking a question and not listening to the answer. Not asking a question but expecting you to answer it.Talking. They do it way too much, and see it as a sign of emotional maturity, which makes them feel superior to blokes, who, because they don’t talk even half as much as women do, are see as emotionally retarded. When in fact we all know the opposite is true.Coming in from work. They park the car, slam the door, rattle their keys in the front door, slam that, put down their bag and take off their coat, with all the accompanying noises. They then come and find you, look at you for a minute, and say “Well, I’m home.” The inverse is true whenever they get home before you do, except they say “Well, you’re home.”Arguments. They are incapable of looking at something objectively, or from your point of view. Whatever you say, they are just going to spout the same few sentences at you until you give up, interspersed with insults.
Refusing to come to the table, where the food is going cold, until the dishwasher is stacked and all available horizontal surfaces wipedOverfilling the dishwasher because leaving three dirty plates and a pan out until morning is unthinkableCleaning the whole house from top to bottom ‘so that it will be clean when we come back’ - ignoring the inevitable three week accumulation of dustCruelty to rechargeable batteries in mobile phone, PDA and camera Allergy to all IT, including, would you believe, total inability to get money out of an ATM until three months agoPlanting up huge number of huge pots on terrace while vast, neglected garden borders grow to resemble Matto Grosso or Congo BasinBelieving all available tosh about vitamins, diet, homeopathy, aromatherapy and such like in preference to medicine that works and going into mega sulk when diagnosed as having high blood pressure and having to take proper medicine prescribed by proper doctor rather than pond water brewed by charlatan
Haircuts, why on earth do women pay up to and over 40 quid for a haircut when I can get mine done for a fiver from the bloke at the top of the road. I mean really even when a bloke goes into these salons/strip clubs (see earlier thread on subject) They get charged considerably less for the same treatment. “Oh but we have more hair they say”, balls, its still the same thickness and requires no more actual effort to cut it off.Handbags, Why do women insist on buying a handbag that matches her shoes when nobody actually cares because her handbag is on the table and her shoes underneath it. The handbag in question is something totally ridiculous that they cant fit anything in so the give all their stuff to the bloke who’s with them to carry. They then bugger off for half an hour to the toilet (what they do in there I have no idea) leaving blokey stood there like a spare prick guarding 2 watermelon Bacardi Breezers, 2 sparkly handbags that everyone is laughing at because neither of them match his shoes and the women’s entire money to fund their evening out. However when bloke nips in for a quick lag he gets grief for buggering off with all their stuff.Cars, women and cars. Listen to me car designers STOP DESIGNING CARS FOR WOMEN I mean cars that look “cute” there’s just no need for it is there you can always have a laugh at the guy driving down the road in a pastel blue VW convertible because you know his wife chose his car. Curves on cars do not look good cars are meant to have straight lines that show aggression towards other road users. Oh and 2nd hand cars. Buying a crappy old 1975 shed that will only run if you push it down a steep hill because you think you’ll look dead good driving it and how much would it suit my personality is complete and utter rubbish.Magazines, how much drivel and tripe do they feel the need to publish these days, who cares what the guy who got kicked out of big brother fourth is having for his tea. Men’s interest magazines actually contain an interest like cars, or power tools or building sheds. Women’s interest magazines contain nothing they’re just full of absolute garbage. You buy a pair of shoes (and matching handbag) that you see a celebrity you like wearing in one of these drivel magazines, you wear them once then you never wear them again because you see a different celeb who you don’t like wearing exactly the same pair.Presents A bloke will buy a present for a woman and pout a lot of thought into it. they will either get it right or get it wrong. It’s a 50:50 shot and we accept that and ok the consequences are not right but we know what we’re in for. When a woman buys a present for a bloke she puts about 5 minutes thought into it, buys him what she likes then expects him to like it.Phone calls. Why oh why do you women spend 45 minutes on the phone to somebody then as soon as they hang up they go too see them. What do you talk about how can a phone call last longer than. Hey, Pub, Bye. I mean what is there to say. You phone somebody up while your watching a TV programme who is watching the same programme and talk about it.E4. They watch the drivel they insist on watching every week at 10pm on channel 4 (the shite hour) then at the end of it the voice pops up “if you cant wait till next week to see what happens turn to E4 now for next weeks episode” So off the y pop to E4 and make you sit through another hour of drivel then when next week comes and the same sh1te is on they sit there and complain that they’ve already seen this episode so they grab the phone and off they go to talk to their mate about it again.

Does sleeping with a woman suffering from schizophrenia qualify as a threesome ??????